By Chuck Doud
The Madera Tribune

Happy St. Patrick’s Day, and what better way to celebrate it than with a few Irish stories:
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The foreman looked the applicant for work up and down. “Are you a mechanic?” he asked.

“No, sir, I’m a McCarthy.”
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An Irishman was painting a house, and working fast. Someone asked him why he was in such a rush. “I’m trying to get through,” the Irishman said, “before the paint runs out.”
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An Irishman was digging holes in which to plant trees. A passerby asked, “So, Mr. Flanagan, you’re diggin’ out the holes, eh?”

“No, Ma’am,” Flanagan replied. “I’m diggin’ out the dirt and leavin’ the holes.”
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“Pat, do you understand French?”
“Yes, I sure do, if it’s spoke in Irish.”
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A man filled with curiosity went into an Irish church at which the bells were pealing. “And why are the bells being rung?” he asked the bell-ringer.

“Because I’m pullin’ on the ropes,” was the reply.
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“Pat,” asked the judge, “Why in the world do you drink so much?”

“Well, your honor,” said Pat, “it’s this way. When I drink, I eat onions to take away the taste of the whiskey. And then I have to drink whiskey to take away the taste of the onions.”
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An Irishman who was an eligible bachelor visited a widow in his district every evening and had tea with her. A friend suggested that he should marry the lady. “I have often thought about it,” he said, “but where should I spend my evenings then?”
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Shamus O’Reilly was in confession and told the priest he had kissed Mrs. McGillicuddy on the lips. “Now, Shamus,” said the priest, a little suspicious, “are you sure it was only one kiss?”

“Father, I’m here to confess, not to brag.”

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